Do A Barrel Roll

merlin:

A new brown thing you’ll totally eat

Hi. We’re KFC.

And, it’s become abundantly clear that you sad bastards will eat literally anything that we can find, photograph, and shit into a little plastic coffin.

Believe me, we know. Because, for years now, we’ve been testing you. Aggressively. Time and again. Through a mind-boggling series of product releases that call to mind Europe’s inexorable slide into the Second World War—with each new development bringing something more unfathomable, disturbing, and unspeakably inhumane.

But, just to be dead honest, it stopped being fun for us a long time ago; you guys have been like the Neville Chamberlains of dignified food. At a certain point, we realized you didn’t even need to be sold on this inedible dreck.

Seriously. It became surreal—like you couldn’t stop hitting yourself with your own hand. Only that hand happened to be clutching a glistening piece of fried bird like it was a pontoon on the last chopper out of Saigon.

The game really changed on the day we realized you wouldn’t blink twice at the idea of a junior high dropout serving you breaded chicken, jug gravy, frozen corn, and a rudimentary ecru paste of modified potato starches and salted oil—all in the same fucking death-black wading pool. You’d eat that. On purpose. With a large Mountain Dew and a fucking “parfait.”

Yeah, that was when we had to admit that our once-rewarding experiment on the limits of human despair was no longer even a sporting challenge.

It became more like—what?— shooting diabetic fish in a barrel. Or, I guess, more appropriately, a “bucket.”

(Yes, we’re the same company that first made American adults like your grandparents feel entirely comfortable feeding their family out of a greasily translucent cardboard bucket. High five.)

Read the rest on Merlin’s blog